I can’t sugarcoat anything about my time at Mom’s this past week. Thanksgiving was miserable this year. And I can’t say I am surprised because my sister and I have known this was coming since Mom had her stroke but we’d been lulled into some sort of blissful ignorance.  Plus I had been unable to travel there with my back so I had not seen Mom in person for several months.  There were no huge outbursts or major family dramas – just small ones. What there was though was a series of pretty loud messages that Mom can no longer be her own caretaker of her affairs and damn if she’s going to let anyone else care-take.  It would take days and paragraphs to actually recount everything so instead I’ll pick a few select bits to try and illustrate the sitation:

1. Mom’s not been feeling well and has been to the doc several times over the last month. It’s a combo of anxiety over several things and respiratory issues – bronchitis, sinus infection maybe. It’s easy to forget since the stroke that she has COPD and pulmonary fibrosis but they are both there and troublesome.  No one goes with her to the doc by her design (because if anyone did she might be committed someplace…)so I always quiz her on what was prescribed when she gets home. I can understand her about 30% of the time so when I am at her house I always do a review of the medicine cabinet. So you can imagine the shock and horror I experienced when I opened up the cabinet and found the following all having been prescribed in the last 30 days by the same doctor: liquid Hydrocodone, Ambien,  Clonazepam, Percoset, and a refill on her Darvocet for her arthritis. W. T. F. I summoned her in there and asked what all this was for. Her reply was I don’t know. I asked if she’s been having pain. No. I asked if she’d been taking them all. No.  What had she been taking? Only the Ambien sometimes and sometimes the Clonazepam for anxiety, and the ”red pills” for her back (Darvoset). Did you tell Dr. Dumbfark you were in pain? No.  Ok so I’m no medical professional but what she has here, taken incorrectly, is a cocktail for going to sleep and not waking up.  Dr. Dumbfark also seems to be a fan of off-label prescriptions – Clonazepam has anti-anxiety qualities but it’s actually an anti-seizure med and she gets side effects from it. What’s wrong with plain old Xanax for anxiety? My sincerest apologies to the Louisville, KY water supply but I dumped everything down the toilet but the Darvocet and Clonazepam. And Dr. Dumbfark  – as soon as I get medical power of attorney I’m going to be paying you and your negligent office staff a long-overdue visit.  

2. When I arrived at Mom’s house Wednesday, I noticed she had 4 new space heaters. I asked why and she told me she got her gas bill and the budget plan was going to be going up a lot so she went out and bought them. My mom is now that Old Person.

3. While there, Mom received a notice from her investment company about tax withholdings for 2009 – standard. You had to either check filing single or married and how many exemptions. She wants to just tell them how much to keep back and when she asked us for help and my sister and I tried to explain that was not an option on the card and she’d have to call, this resulted in one of the several Mount Mom eruptions that went on over the course of the week. We went from normal to hateful in less than 60 seconds.

4. She is so stressed out about money and the economy she’s making herself physically ill. I can’t really blame her to be honest - she’s retired, unable to work and is seeing her retirement lose thousands on paper each month but rash reactions are not the key. I personally think if she can just be patient it will all be ok. But she informed my sister and I she was going to list her house next week for sale and move into an assisted living facility that will cost at least $3000 a month. This is in theory not a bad idea, but the logic is all wrong. Her current expenses are substantially less than $3k per month -she owns her house outright.  Plus selling the house in a credit-stifled market in the dead of winter is a bad idea. Again my sister and I tried to counsel her and that resulted in yet another Mount Mom eruption. And then on my last day there like a 13 year old she asked me to call my sister and apologize for her. I declined.

Anyway, there are several things going on but bottom-line is she’s to the point where her finances are getting too overwhelming and complicated for her to manage and the doctor/medical thing – well I don’t even know what to say about that.  It’s clear to me that her primary doctor is not taking the time to understand her and keeps throwing pills at the problems. I don’t know how many of my readers know my mom, but to say she’s stubborn is an understatement and she won’t willingly give any of us medical or regular power of attorney. And none of us want that anyway – well my sister and I need to be medical power of attorney but we want an independent 3rd party of be power of attorney and in charge of her affairs - she’s less likely to verbally abuse someone in her lawyer’s office and it’s not about money – it’s about taking care of her. She irrationally fears that if my sister or I get medical power of attorney, we will commit her someplace. I just want to be able to interface with her doctors (and ask him why he’s prescribing what he is – for bronchitis I expect an antibiotic and maybe a steroid – not sleeping pills and painkillers) and right now we can’t even talk to anyone because of HIPAA laws.

For the first time in the 12 years that I’ve lived in Indy, I’ve actually thought seriously that I need to move back to Louisville to take care of her.  I also feel paralyzed as to what to do. Normally, when a conflict comes my way, I absorb a situation then kick into research and solve mode but that’s not happening with this. I don’t even know where to begin.  I did decide after a good night of rest finally that uprooting my job, life and house would be a terrible idea right now – I not ashamed to admit that the resentment and anger I would feel towards her would be beyond destructive.  I’d rather do the miles in the car and have my life stay intact here. And I think we can work on the medical power of attorney thing without having it get ugly  – still working on that.  So I guess those are first steps.

I’m 34 and I feel so lost  – and I detest feeling like this. I desperately want to be able to ask my parents for advice on what to do. Unfortunately, one is dead and the other is only a shred of who she really was post-stroke  – and who I need advice about.  I am close to my sister, we get along and she and I are really good partners on this roller coaster for which I am so thankful but I have to say holidays like this –  especially when I am single  – make me feel very alone in this world.

Normally what one would expect to follow would be me talking about how my full-time job and all the other stuff I do makes me feel guilty about not spending as much time with my children as I should. Except that I don’t have human children (only quadrupeds…). I have a mother.  And mom has in her very special “only she can do it” way has made me feel guilty again.   It’s a hard week for her I know – she and dad were married on Valentine’s Day. But it’s also a hard week for me for not unrelated reasons. February 13th would have marked 3 years for my relationship that ended 6 months ago. It’s truly amazing the amount of guilt she can pack into one 10-minute phone conversation.  

Here are some of the sound bytes: 

“Dr. FeelGood asked why none of my kids live with me and why I still live alone. I told him that you are too busy with your dogs and your sister is too busy with her kids and husband.”  Let’s not forget my sister is also taking care of our brother who is physically unable to walk because of a stroke. And we don’t live there because we would all be admitted to the looney bin if we did. What kind of doctor suggests to a person that their adult children move in with them not knowing the situation? 

“I told Dr. FeelGood that if I have another stroke, that you kids aren’t allowed to put me back in that place again.”  Hmm. Don’t know how he replied to this one but the doc and hospital “put” you there, not me and my sister.  I drove you there and had to endure watching you sob hysterically and shout at me not to leave you when I left. But I did not make the decision to “put” you there.  

“You don’t live alone so you don’t know how I feel.” Actually I do live alone. Yeah I’ve got the dogs and cats but I don’t live with another person or people.   

“Too bad you won’t be getting any presents this week for Valentine’s Day. Daddy always gave me presents.” Thanks mom. Rub salt in my already open and inflamed wound.

“You never come to see me anymore so I don’t know how on earth the yard will be ready for spring. You know I can’t do the work myself. If you had not bought that house, you would still be able to work in my yard.” I don’t have a reply to this one except maybe if I had not bought that house maybe I’d be living in a box?

“I told Dr. FeelGood that Bella knocked me over so he could make sure that was not causing any issues.” That happened 2 months ago and you should not have been chasing her to begin with.  

I know I could and should be a better daughter. Mom is lonely and pretty much feels bad physically all the time between the pulmonary fibrosis and stroke-related complications. It haunts me actually. I think about it daily. I could sell my house, leave my job, pack up all my stuff and move to Louisville to take care of mom. Leave everything I have known and built here for the last 12 years.  And don’t think I have not seriously considered it. Sometimes I wonder what does keep me here beyond my friends, house and job. And I don’t mean to sound flip about those things, all of which are very important to me, but I don’t have kids in school, or a partner, or own a business here. I am bound to the city but the ties are not made of steel. Dad is gone and I know at some point I’ll seriously regret not being closer to mom geographically and not spending more time with her. It makes things hard now that I live 2 hours away. I worry constantly that I am a bad caregiver and by nature of the fact I live 100 miles away there are things I don’t do. I see and read about people who drop everything to care for ill parents and family members and I don’t know how they survive – financially, emotionally or otherwise. Not working is not an option for me. I know I should feel more appreciative since I still have mom and I do observe gratitude about it especially since dad is gone. But since the stroke she’s not the same. At all. And I can’t take the verbal abuse beyond a certain point. My sister is in the same position with my brother  – she has to work and he cannot live with them (no room and the house is old and would require major renovations they can’t afford to make it handicap accessible). He’s openly unappreciative for what she does for him- another function of his stroke. I’ve had to set boundaries on how much, when and why I go to mom’s. I prioritize and go for doctor’s appointments and medical procedures and birthdays and holidays. I don’t go just to hang for a weekend. And I feel like a bad daughter for doing so.  I’m not the only person responsible for helping mom – she has sisters and a brother, my sister, neighbors etc. But I have to survive myself so I make these difficult choices. It’s life – this much I know.  Mostly I feel like I don’t know what the right thing is. Do I put the welfare of someone else in front of my own? Especially since this person selflessly did the same for me for years?  Since I don’t have a partner what would the fallout be of me neglecting myself when I am all I have to care for myself?  In some cases there is a scaffolding – someone or people to support the caregiver financially and otherwise. And I have that in many ways with friends but for my livelihood, health and whatnot, I am my own scaffolding – no one else there.  So most days I can’t put that in peril to keep someone else’s building propped up.  And most days I fully realize it’s all a big house of cards – not just me but the whole thing, my whole family,  and at any minute the house of cards could crash in. I am borderline obsessive-compulsive so I think about the what ifs all the time -what if mom had another stroke and could not walk? What if her lung problems get so bad she needs 24 hour care? What if she falls and breaks a hip?   I can’t predict what will happen. I can only deal with what happens as it comes. So for today I’ll not engage in what ifs, and realize she does love me, and be thankful that I have a family in the form of my biological relatives and friends. That’s about all I can do for today.