Out with the Old

I updated my bio today. It was time. I’m not who I was exactly when I closed the old blog about my old life and started this blog about what would become my new life.  I’d like to think I’m a better, less crazy version of my same self.   I’m mostly in a good place these days though the days are never without the handful of persistant struggles that follow me. In ways that’s comforting – I know what I’m dealing with. It’s the curveballs that throw me violently off course and require the most effort to restore order.   The same 3-4 issues are always on replay: Body image and weight, being self-sufficient emotionally, financially and otherwise in crazy world and economic times, dealing with Mom, and dealing with being a 35-year old singleton with no human kids in a sea of people who did not choose that road.  And then of course I’d love to know when my house will stop being a money pit and when my dogs will stop shedding and making my car a perpetual mess.  And also when my car might stop breaking down. Ha! Joke’s on you…. 

I guess more than anything though I realize I’ve been waking up most every morning with a sense of gratitude here lately even on the days when I feel like the house of cards I’ve constructed is about ready to come tumbling down and I’m furiously shoring things up with duct tape, spit and clothes pins.   For a long time, I had to fake it. I had to replay the message in my head that I was grateful, going over what I was grateful for specifically at the direction of my head shrinker even though I felt nothing of the sort.  And while I no longer see this person for other ethical reasons, she was right about this particular head reprogramming exercise.   I said and thought it enough and finally it was.  I have so much to be grateful for. I have a roof over my head – albeit a money-pit, overpriced until the property tax fiasco resolves itself roof, great friends, amazing furbabies and a good job.   Much to be thankful for.

It’s All About the Crazy Up In Here

Conversation I was drug into at the water cooler (& left abruptly) at the YMCA. Let’s say for the sake of discussion global warming does not exist and the Earth is far beyond anything we as humans could damage. I don’t agree with this – I’m just saying for the sake of the convo I overheard. So let’s say it’s the case. Does that then suggest we should all adopt a lifestyle where we litter, use toxic chemicals, drive gas guzzling Hummers & in general engage in a lifestyle of waste?

Where I’m going with this is the person I overheard is relying on flawed logic – global warming issue aside. This individual was purporting that the green industry is one of a total sham because we can’t kill the Earth. Say that is the case it’s actually far cheaper to live less wastefully. For example I’ve basically elimiated paper towels at home. Given I have 2 large dogs that’s quite a feat. Instead of buying and disposing paper towels, I use rags that I reclaimed from old sheets and clothes and rewash.  Save money.  Save landfills.

This whole thing started because the Y downtown has filtered water stations. They used to keep paper cups by the stations but they now have a sign up that says bring your own bottle and are even considering a grant to give each member a reusable bottle. 2 people were at the water cooler when I went over to fill my resuable bottle and they were complaining – complaining! that the Y had removed the cups saying it was a scam. Their logic was that humans are arrogant for even thinking we can kill the Earth and that global warming is a  joke. They started to reel me into the conversation but I knew it was a lost cause.

Hello Old Friend

It’s been a long time and I’ve missed you.  I’ve been busy with work, life,  fundraiser planning (for Sip and Tuck), mom, yard, house etc.  I’ve wanted to come back several times, but I’ve not had much spare time. On top of that, I had the realization over the weekend that one of the reasons why I’d been avoiding you was I’ve been trained by Facebook and Twitter to think in 140 characters or less and Wanderingbella’s known for her verbosity.  I had fear that if I did not compose perfect, clever and lengthy posts, I’d somehow be doing something wrong.    But now I realize that I can come here and blog quasi-Facebook style. I think any shred of talent I may have in amusing readers lies there anyway – I’m better in short than long.  Plus I’ve jettisoned some emotional baggage, uncommitted from a few things that were becoming burdens and want to be here more often anyway. So stay tuned for brevity on all things – topics front of mind these days are doggies, gardens, home improvement, working out, and vacations.

The Facebook Meme on Wanderingbella

My pal Al had the idea to take this meme to the blogosphere so here goes. Plus it’s way more uplifting than my earlier gripe about how I’m 34 but my body feels like its 79.

1. A great, great, great, great uncle of mine named Samuel Mudd was mistakenly arrested for being the Dr. Samuel Mudd that set John Wilkes Booth’s leg after he shot Lincoln. The correct Samuel Mudd was eventually arrested and my relative was released. I am distantly related to the Mudd clan that began with Thomas Mudd who came to America in 1665.
2. Dog and cat rescue are one of my things. I have 2 dogs and 2 cats – all rescued – and have had a parade of foster dogs come through my house. Now I’m helping a good friend of mine out for a fundraiser for a deaf pit bull named Tucker who needs major surgery. I can’t imagine my life without Bella, Jo, Lucy and Molly.
3. I’m obsessed with good oral hygiene and brush and twice at least 2 times a day and sometimes 3.
4. I attended the second Lollapalooza. In 1992. This is only relevant because it came up in a conversation with a coworker last week so I dug out my old tshirt I saved. I was marveling at some of the bands I love that were relative unknowns back then including Pearl Jam, STP, Rage Against the Machine and others.
5. I was randomly matched up with my freshman roommate at Hanover College and she eventually would become one of my best friends (and still is!). And if you had seen the 2 of us on day one, no one would have put money on it – me in the above-mentioned Lollapalooza t-shirt and Jenny with her country music and bangs
6. I eat no red meat or pork.
7. (Deleted) This one was about work and I don’t blog about work.
8. I have 3 herniated discs but they are better for the most part.
9. I’m a novice seamstress and knitter – novice being the key word.
10. I used to run minimarathons and do minitriathalons. Now I just settle for spinning, pilates and other less insane activities – see # 8 above.
11. I’m one of the last singletons amongst my core group of friends.
12. 25 of these things? Really?
13. I love old-school board and card games – Scrabble, Monopoly, Euchre, Hearts, Spaces, Apples to Apples, Tabu.
14. I have numerous guilty pleasures most of which have gone by the wayside in favor of investments in the house and dogs. The top ones would be sushi, traveling, good wine, pedicures, shoes, overpriced nonfat lattes and expensive, natural fiber yarn (like alpaca).
15. I bought my first house last fall. See loss of guilty pleasures #14 above.
16. I have an older brother and sister who were teenagers when I was born.
17. My dad died when I was 26. I was with him when he died. A day does not go by still where I don’t miss him. Some days are worse than others in this regard.
18. I’ve traveled outside the US quite a bit. India, England, Philippines, Belize among others.
19. I have a non-threatening heart murmur.
20. I was classically trained on the piano from age 6 until college.
21. I regret giving up piano lessons in college.
22. Roller derby is now my new favorite sport. It used to be college basketball.
23. I still hold out hope that my Cards (U of L) will win the NCAA basketball championship again in my lifetime.
24. I am a voracious reader.
25. I’m working on the CGC (Canine Good Citizen) and TDI (Therapy Dog International) certifications with my dog Jo.

Urgh – Griping Ahead

I’m feeling great and generally optimistic emotionally. But the Winter of My Physical Discontent is upon me and working on changing said attitude to something other than optimistic. Pretty much since July I’ve not felt great physically. The July through January feeling like crap was the result of my herniated discs.  I worked very hard to get to a good place – did everything my docs told me and did physical therapy and pilates religiously and have been easing back into working out which helps with everything. And my back’s been feeling pretty good.  Life was good – I could take care of myself again and do the things I liked to do physically.  Here is where I should insert that any kind of real pain meds make me violently ill and non-functional so I stick with natural remedies and combinations of prescription-strength Advil, Tylenol and Aleve. But then last Saturday happened. I fell in the bathtub. No I’m not 93 – only 34. And no I didn’t break a hip.  My skin’s been extra dry with the weather so I’ve been using a creamy body wash, and I had bathed Jojo earlier in the day so the tub was like an ice rink. I felt myself slip and I started falling with a direct trajectory to hit my tailbone so I swiveled to protect my spine and in the process landed my right side ribcage smack on the edge of the tub. Hard. It knocked the wind out of me and the pain was bad. After staying there for a bit I managed to get up and continue on with my weekend thinking it was just a bad bruise. Come Monday the pain was still bad so I visited the doc and imaging center (where everybody knows my name…) and turns out in addition to major swelling and bruising I have 2 cracked ribs. 6 weeks to heal. 6 weeks of issues breathing. Working out is not really an option as I discovered last night. I was feeling kind of ok – in pain for certain activities but I have a decent pain tolerance so I did some very, very minor stuff last night and am paying the price today. I can barely focus and any movement is horrible. Sneezing and coughing? Might as well stick a knife into my side. Getting in and out of the car is bad. Getting dressed was torture. Bending over to do anything – feed the dogs, putting shoes on, washing my feet – whatever – is excruciating. And because of where the breaks are located, I’m feeling tension and general discomfort all in my back, arms and neck from where I have to overcompensate for the pain.  Here’s the thing. I just want to feel like myself again and be able to work out and do normal things. I don’t need to be an elite athlete or marathon runner and it just feels like I’ll never feel normal or right again.   Sigh.

Not Around and About

Sometimes I don’t feel like blogging. But this is not one of those times. I’ve had several ideas or things come up recently that I would love to blog about. Like Simone’s arrival, or the fundraiser I am helping out with – Sip and Tuck – or the new President or stuff about the dogs.  But there has been no time. Several things have happened to create that situation. Work has been really, really busy. The weather makes everything take longer. And I threw down the gauntlet at the end of the year and washed my hands of the eating unchecked and not working out behavior. I’ve been released from my neurosurgeon so I’m back to my regular workout routine and that is taking it’s toll on me. So combine the planning of 2 events, my regular job, cooking more and hitting the gym 6 days a week plus the dogs and cats and I’m not quite in the rhythm of all this. But I’ll get there – and waiting will be a healthier version of myself . Until then.

Step Away from the Uggs

Ugg boots are my latest shoe obsession. As the name indicates, they are kind of ugly-cute. Sort of like Crocs (yes I know, I slammed Crocs about a year ago for being ugly. That was before I herniated 3 discs in my back). In any case, after the whole herniated discs incident, I’ve finally had to let go of being able to wear ridiculous shoes. There was a time and place in my life for that and my heart is broken (as are the multiple shoes in my closet that very well may never see the light of day again), but comfort is queen these days. Uggs are super-comfy and keep my feet warm in the nasty Indianapolis cold. I have the black classics. But unfortunately, they aren’t cheap. I really, really, really want the Black Cardys but those are going for more than $200 on eBay because Oprah declared her love for them apparently. Damn you Oprah. Hopefully I can find some stylish and trendy shoes going forward that won’t break my back or my bank account.

And it Gets Even Better

Moron. The idiot I had a bad date with has an unprotected page on Facebook and chose to post a not-so-nice comment about our date – referring to it as a “long story”. Apparently talking 3 times on the phone and going on one date is a “long story.”

“I wish I could tell the world
cuz you’re such a pretty thing when you’re done up properly
I might want to marry you one day
if you watch that weight and keep your firm body.”
-Alanis Morissette

Balding fucker.

How and Why Do I Even Attempt Dating?

I really, really hate it. Between Major Relationship #1 and Major Relationship#2, I probably went on about 100 dates and hated it then. Nothing has changed. I’ve had a few dates since Major Relationship #2. Recently, I met a guy who seemed normal and nice on Chemi$try.com. We talked on the phone too much (his choice) then finally I met him in person. It was not love at first sight or anything but I thought it was going great then I get the usual, post-date,  30-something, white male silent treatment. At least have the balls to let me know what happened in the last 5 minutes of the date to make you change your mind.  Here’s the thing. I don’t often go to bars.When I do, it’s with my friends and I’d much rather talk to them then spend the evening checking out random men in the bar. I don’t date coworkers where I spent at least 45 hours per week. So basically online dating and setups are the only way I’ll ever really meet available men.  And both methods suck.  This most recent experience has me asking “why” anyway. Many people can’t and don’t like being alone. That’s not me – I’ve always kind of enjoyed it. I’ve got a full life. I’m independent. Amazing friends, family, dogs, cats, a job, hobbies, coworkers. So really what is the point? My usefulness to the world is certainly not limited to being someone’s wife.  If I’m happy, why disrupt that and go through the nightmare that is dating anyway?

Facebook Quandary

I received a friend request this morning on Facebook from a girl who went to my gradeschool and 2 years of my high school.  I was neither popular nor well-liked in grade or high school – mainly due to being smart, a little alternative and slightly overweight. I finally found my people and my stride in college – the 4 years I spent at Hanover were some of the best in my life and the many friends I made there are like my family and so it was that I made peace with my cruel K-1 2 years.  Anyway, back to the Facebook friend request. I’ve reconnected with lots of people from Hanover and even some from high school there and it’s been great – no hard feelings from high school. No one from grade school showed up until yesterday.  And this girl – words to describe how cruel she was completely elude me. She made my 7 years in grade school totally and completely miserable. For lack of a better term she was my nemesis.  She verbally abused me and my family (my parents were older when I was born making me the apparent butt of her jokes). She played horrible tricks on me, openly made fun of me in front of classmates, and worked tirelessly to exclude me and make me feel left out and bad. I was only ever in one fight in school and it was when she said something mean about my mom’s age  - I had it and hit her in the head with my purse. Mom always tried to tell me it was because she was jealous. At the time I could not see it but it’s probably true. I grew up in a boring, vanilla, no-divorce family. We ate meals together, went on vacation together, did stuff in our Catholic church and had little dysfunction. I was loved more than anything by my parents. This girl on the other hand had a dead-beat, drug - using and dealing father. Her mom was a strung-out town whore and so she mostly she stayed with her grandmother – no doubt to escape a horrible home life.  And they were painfully poor – though all efforts were made to conceal that when she came into school at age 12 with Louis Vuitton purses and numerous other material objects.  But my mom was the school bookkeeper so I knew this girl was attending expensive, parochial school on the dime of anonymous donors –  2 of which happened to be my parents.  I of course never said anything about that. I could have and often fantasized about saying something to my class to try and alleviate the pain I endured on a daily basis at her hand – but I was raised in a family where we helped others less fortunate and did so with no judgement.   

So I get a friend request yesterday from her on Facebook. I at first thought maybe she’s grown up and wants to be just friends – face value – no ulterior motive. But when I looked at her profile, I see nothing there to make me think she’s changed. She has several photos posted of her rather large diamond wedding ring and other material things.  Who does that at age 34? And she looks evil in her photo. So I feel sure that she only wants to be my friend to see what I am doing now and judge (my profile is hidden unless you are my friend).  

So the quandary – what do I do? It makes me sick that she can still ellicit this kind of horrible feeling in me after all these years so I’m leaning towards no.  I have so many incredible friends who love and accept me for who I am – why invite others in?

 The timing of this is interesting as I was talking to one of my amazing, non-evil close friends Dana about this yesterday – people finding people from the past on Facebook.  It’s an interesting social experiment. But I don’t think I’ll be pursuing this particular experiment.