I chose this life. Or it chose me. In any case, it’s a story about not taking roads, and taking roads less traveled. It’s about not following the prescribed fate of the (cursed, for some) American dream. Picket fences, 2.4 children, midnight Christmas mass in furs and suede, aprons and offspring and cookies and husbands and shit. None of that lives here.

I walk my roads alone. There’s no husband, no partner, no God here. It takes courage. Courage to do this brutal and divine and eccentric and confusing and troubling and blissful life in the most authentic way I know how and standing on my own two feet without someone there propping me up. Courage to stand up and say “this is who I am and I make no apologies for the person I have become.” Saying this to the very people who birthed and raised me, yet don’t know who I am by their own choice. Choosing not to see the person who takes the uncommon road. Loving an idea rather than a truth. Well eff that.

Some days it makes all the sense in the world. Some days it makes no sense. Some days it’s torture.

Today it’s blissful. There are snoring dogs. And good wine. And good friends. And a previous night with an (unrecognized) soulmate. Not the kind of night you are thinking. But passionate nonetheless.

For today, it’ll do.

At the time I did it in response to some gastrointestinal issues Bella was having.  It was a summer of experimentation, and eventually we wound up back on a high-grade kibble diet.  Bella has a significant heart issue, so her body works harder than a normal body to maintain the extra work her heart does. What does that mean? I fight for every pound to get on her and stay on her.   I almost started crying the other day when someone asked me if she had lost weight. She’s a picky eater bordering on anorexic at times to begin with so I had to supplement her kibble with high-calorie foods to get her even to maintain her weight.  That was getting tiresome and expensive and she continues to be around 15 pounds underweight (plus has developed some arthritis in her left hip), so that coupled with Jojo’s grain allergy pushed me back to BARF. Bella is way less likely to skip a meal when on BARF. Other benefits include a non-smelly dog, smaller poops, higher energy levels, cleaner teeth, no reaction to allergies (boogery eyes, ear infections, itching and scratching) and a more satisfied digestive system.  So what do the daily meals and snacks look like, and where do I get my stuff?

Daily meal and snacks for Bella and Jojo:

Bella:

-40 ounces of food per day. Ratio is 90% muscle meat, 2% tripe, 2% organ meat, 2% veggie slop, %2 bone, 2% trachea and gullet material. Bella has other issues I’ll save for another post at another time, but because of those issues, she primarily eats cold or cool meats which include rabbit, duck, venison, beef, whiting, and pork.

Jojo:

-Around 20-30 ounces per day of same ratio as Bella except Jojo primarily gets chicken.

As snacks, they get chicken feet (awesome natural source of glucosimine), tendon treats, pork necks.

On the surface, this seems like a lot of work and expense. In the end, I will spend less than I did before. How is that possible? I was feeding the girls a high-grade kibble (almost $60/bag, and we would go through a bag every three weeks). On top of that, I was buying greek yogurt, fish, cottage cheese, fatty meats and other add-ins for Bella’s food that were costing me a small fortune. Also, because they get lots of natural sources of omega 3 and 6 fatty acids, calcium and glucosimine and digestive enzymes in their meals, I no longer have to buy supplements.

Also, I have started a BARF co-op with two friends. We buy in bulk and process in bulk which makes it all easier and less expensive.

Indy is super-lucky to have My Pet Carnivore as a local resource for obtaining raw diet food and treats. And finally your best source for inexpensive meat items you would not find at your normal Marsh would be the Safeways and Krogers in more urban areas. Today I scored 10 pounds of whiting for $12 and skinned rabbit at the Safeway right by my house.  I’ll give you all a moment to absorb the humor of the visual that was me checking out with these food items at the Safeway. Or Unsafeway as my friend likes to call it

So what is the ultimate point of this post? Anyone can do BARF. It just takes a little extra time, and your energetic, healthy happy furkids will make all that raw meat cutting worthwhile

My whole life I’ve been a voracious reader. I remember Saturdays as a kid being my most favorite day of the week because my Mom would come home from the grocery with 1 or 2 new Little Golden Books.  So it’s no surprise to me that books guided me back here. Inspired by a friend and fellow bookclubber doing the same, I am going to start a book journal. Not to showcase how well-read I am, but so at the end of the year I can review what I read  – remember each book, and reflect on how the book touched me.   And I think in addition to attempting to keep the journal here, I will do it on old school hardcopy as well. So here goes: 

Book Journal  – 2011

The Book Thief (new)

A Reliable Wife (new)

Not the bad kind that silly adults play – not a mind game.

The good kind – the kind you play to have fun. The kind you played on the playground at recess. Fun, freeing, silly.  The kind that makes you smile.

Maybe 4 square or hot potato.  No one wants control of the ball. It gets lobbed back and forth. Each time the players move a little closer together to make the passing easier. Giggling, then hiding behind friends.

Confident people lacking confidence in this specific game.  Slow. Methodical. Sometimes standing still. Sometimes slowly, cautiously moving forward. Not taking steps back. Not rushing to win, or lose.

Still too soon to tell.

Anyway so back to the title of this post. I’m not religious but I am spiritual and I believe all things happen for a reason. A friend of mine had mentioned to me oh maybe 3-4 times over the last couple of months a boy she wanted me to meet perhaps. He and I had met once before ever so briefly at an insane fundraising event and I had little memory of it.  I would just smile and leave it. I was ambivalent – like I have been for 2 years now. I knew she would never suggest someone to me just because we were both single and within a reasonable age range – she would think far beyond that in terms of compatibility. But still I didn’t do anything about it. I don’t hate men but I’ve tried dating, or being interested in dating or being interested even in specific people and I always had come up ambivalent about it. People would ask me if I was dating and I’d just shrug – eh no. And I don’t even really care. I’ve never been one of these individuals who can’t be alone, who *needs* to be with someone and can’t take space after a break up  -  in fact I rather enjoy being single for the most part.  That all being said I knew in my heart the ambivalence was driven by the fear I needed to overcome of being sent into the hell again I endured 2 years ago. I was afraid to trust – to feel – to allow myself to even entertain the idea of letting another individual back into my life in that capacity.  I’ve said it multiple ways since all that went on - I worried I was broken for good – damaged goods – how in the heck would I ever crack the door of my heart open again? Was I even capable? I said it a million times over to anyone who would listen – I can’t and won’t ever go through something like that again. The only guarantee for avoiding such a fate? Don’t get involved with anyone. So I haven’t.  And the weight issues – it’s all so complex. Part of me uses that as an excuse – I hide behind it because I can.

Then something rather simple and organic happened. An email was sent by my devious and plotting friend to me, her husband and this Mystery Boy she had been mentioning about going for a motorcycle ride this weekend. I reply with a quick and short “sounds fun but total game time decision given the back issues”.  Mystery Boy then replies to me – What? Back issues? I got all kinds of back issues! Let’s talk! So we talked. And talked and talked and talked some more (all via the Internets and email of course…). and for the first time in years – I felt something.  He woke something up in me. There was clicking and harmony. Harmony in the senses of humors, harmony on the intellectual levels, harmony on the dogs – he has rescue dogs and so he both understands and respects what kind of commitment is required to live with a (neurotic) rescue dog.   This person made me smile, and feel distracted, and laugh, and feel silly and moreover made me want to even maybe take it a step or two further.  He has a way with words – he acknowledged the same mutual surprise at our paths crossing and asked me if I would like a glimpse into his life.  And he also knows what it’s like to live with chronic and debilitating lower back issues.  I don’t know what’s going to happen – I suspect in some way I’m not his type  -  but then again that may be my head doing its usual monologue and I may not be giving him enough credit for being focused on what’s in the brain more than a size 2 figure.  I just don’t know yet and that’s fine with me.  Whatever the case – even if it turns into a friendship and goes nowhere else, he woke something up in me I had assumed was trapped behind a wall of thick stone  - made me realize I’m not broken – and for that I will be forever grateful.   If the stars align, if my back permits, it the weather’s not crazy, maybe I’ll even get the chance to climb on the back of his bike this weekend.

I’m mad  – raging, pissed-off mad at my back.  Last September I was diagnosed with 3 bad discs. There were bulges on L3 and L4 and L5S1 was a herniated mess of a disaster – that particular disc was causing unbearable pain – it had busted open and dumped all kinds of nasty materials into my spine.   I had an MRI, went to see a neurosurgeon, got a SNRB shot, did PT for awhile and felt better. Every now and then I get a minor flare-up I treat with NSAIDs, PT and exercise. Nothing I can’t handle.  I talk about it but  I’m not one of these people that trolls around complaining to anyone who will listen that I’m in pain.  Also, I know that the back is where women absorb emotional pain and anger, so I’ve been working on that, too.  Anyway,  I had a flare-up 2 weeks ago. And did pilates, some PT and have been treating with NSAIDs, and now Prednisone.  I’m totally against the narcotics pain relievers – my neuro warned me that people with chronic back pain are at a very high risk for becoming an addict, and my system does not tolerate them anyway.  Things had been good after that  flare-up and then I moved wrong or did something and things aren’t good yet again and this round of pain is unfortunately not as manageable.  That’s the thing about bad discs – you can do everything they tell you and not do the stuff they tell you not to do and a wrong angle at the sink brushing your teeth can send the disc back into distress.   Anyway, I was managing fine but the pain management I had been using seems to have lost it’s ability to work on whatever is going on. I know exactly what it is too – it’s the same troubled disc – L5S1 – but this time it’s bulging out to the right side instead of the left. Numbness in the feet, hip pain, leg pain and moving is painful.  Yesterday and this morning have been hell. I just had walked to the bathroom and came back to my office and started crying it hurts so bad.  One of the unpleasant side effects of bad discs is incontinence. Fortunately, I have not had that issue but if I do have to go, the pressure on the discs is unbearable. Also because this is dealing with pathology of the spine, it affects my whole demeanor – not uncommon with discs. The spine is directly connected to the nervous system and brain – it’s an inevitable consequence.

See here is the thing. I used to run mini-marathons, do mini-tris and regularly ride 75-100 miles on my bike without blinking. All that’s out the window and I have made peace with that. But even sometimes low impact exercise causes me pain. I can’t even do yoga anymore – the twisting is painful.  I want to walk my dogs and not have pain. I want to be able to clean my house and maintain it without pain. And the weight. Oy the weight.  I have Graves’s Disease -a thyroid disorder that makes it extremely hard to for me to lose weight in any case. I had managed my weight mostly through exercise and diet and now that I can’t workout, the weight has piled on and keeps piling on. I feel utterly terrible about myself and feel at a loss to do anything about it. Until you’ve walked in the shoes of an overweight person, you can’t understand what I mean. People stare at me.  Guys aren’t interested wholesale – which whatever but it still stings even if I’m not  interested.  Which in turn does not help the disc issues because I start to feel helpless. And angry again – see the pattern? I feel like I’m on some insane hamster wheel I can’t get off. Gain weight, exercise, stop exercising because back hurts, exercise again when it stops hurting.    Oh and surgery. Everything I’ve read and everything my PT have told me – despite that I love my neuro – says don’t do it. You’ll never be the same.  So I am here, singing the song of many before me –  what to do about chronic, almost debilitating back pain when there are so few options?

I am in the process of formulating a plan that involves PT, doctors, my neuro, acupuncture, pilates and whatever else I can manage.  At least I am capable and can take some degree of control over my health and well-being. I am going to focus on taking things one day at a time. I’m drastically changing my eating habits starting with at least 2 green smoothies a day. And I have to better manage my stress levels. Period. This is a major issue.  The bad back impacts everything – my work, my dogs (they know when Mommy is “sick” and Bella like clockwork acts out – she attacked Jo twice this weekend for no reason and escaped this morning…), my family, my ability to travel and just do stuff.

I don’t need to be an athlete again. She’s in there I have to fight her back sometimes daily. I look at photos of me after one of the last minis I did and I want to cry – I was never skinny but I was strong – muscular – fit. I could do yardwork and walk the dogs no problems. All those things are a chore now. But I have not lost all my strength. I can survive and do better in pilates that people far skinnier than I am. But something needs to happen. I need off the roller coaster ride – it’s not fun.

I will say that my emotion over the situation had clouded my judgement on a couple of issues resulting in some heated conversations with close friends on this issue. A few of my good  friends have made really good points for keeping an open mind on the whole felons have the right to rebuild their life once they’ve paid their debt to society issue.  I get that and don’t disagree. But Vick is not a normal, regular person. He’s a pro-athlete. He gets special treatment. I have major issues with the pro-athlete situation in this country in general – which I believe unfairly influenced how this situation went down. My dislike for the NFL and NBA thugs (and my view that they are symbolic of much of what is wrong with the United States) is also an unpopular opinion with my friends. They are all overpaid and many of them live above the law.  And on the life rebuilding thing perhaps they should have spent a little more time in college listening in classes instead of playing sports so they would have options.  I don’t have the time or patience to enter into the pro-athlete/celeb/public figure aspect of the situation now. That’s a longer post for later.  I will say one thing and that is Vick has bankrupted himself literally to the tune of millions paying lawyers, PR people and a whole village to keep the sentence as light as possible, direct most of the blame of the more heinous aspects of the situation to others, and play the PR game now that he’s out. Remorse? Who the hell knows because all that comes out of his mouth are obviously scripted sound bites from his PR handlers saying all the right things. And the head NFL guy  – kudos to him – has even called him out on that saying words are useless at this point – actions speak louder.  And the Tony Dungy involvement as his new mentor? Pope Tony of the NFL Does No Wrong. Vick’s managed to align himself with this saint to cut down on the hostility factor and shame on Dungy for allowing himself to be manipulated in this manner.  

I think where I’m confused is I actually sense there are people out there who have some level of sympathy for him and what is described as a huge and almost insurmountable task he has of rebuilding himself. Whatever. I don’t feel sorry for him. He did abhorrent things and has to pay.  Help me understand that. Go read the specifics of the case. Look at the photos then let me know how you feel.  This was not just training dogs to fight which is despicable in and of itself. This was torturing and killing them for entertainment. Trust me  – you don’t want those people living next door to you. You don’t want them in your neighborhood, or your city. Think about this in the context of a regular citizen, or a different crime. What if John Smith had done this? 2 years enough? What if it had been a child abuse case not dog fighting? I’m trying to keep my mind open when I have discussions with friends who don’t agree with me. You get jaded once you’ve seen abused animals and it’s difficult to reset your mind about issues like this.  I’ll admit I have a bias.  

In closing, instead of just spouting off words and inflaming people, I’ll continue to put my money where my mouth is by being involved in dog rescue.

What I’m hearing about BlogHer 2009 already is that the driver of the conference was not the sessions, speakers or content. But those wanting FREE STUFF – swag – and the parties. Hey I like partying and free stuff as much as the next person but when I go to a conference, it’s usually to enrich my professional life.  I won’t stand in a line forever to get something free, or to get my makeup done or attend a session I could otherwise not give a rat’s rump about to get something. Unless Amy Sedaris is signing books. I’m there to network and learn something. And this makes me sad. BlogHer used to be about a supportive community of women – not exclusion and material items.  Now it’s about free shit and who’s invited to what parties? If I liked high school that much, I would have stayed there.   And I never thought I’d say this but if what I’m reading is true, I’d rather be at any developer conference. At least there everything and everyone pretty much coexists at face value.

The larger disappointment is I’ve been seeing this same phenomena in the blogosphere lately which is why I’ve mostly redone my RSS feed to get newsy blogs only and the blogs of people who I’ve read forever, or are my friends. And yeah I keep some of the trainwreck blogs in there for entertainment value. But this “too cool for school” thing going on. Women that run in virtual packs to talk about Moses baby baskets, who said what mean thing to their kid at the Prada playdate, who got left out of the Prada playdate and general uppityness. I’m no doubt opening myself up to even more hatred than with the military recruitment post by admitting this but I’ve taken to calling them the “MommybloggerCartel” which as a caveat I have to admit is a sweeping generalization but I findit amusing nonetheless. I have mom friends who blog about their kids and I love reading those blogs. The cartel goes far beyond being moms, or bloggers. It’s something else. It’s a cult almost – and admission is not granted to everyone.  I attended an all-girls Catholic high school so you better believe I’m so over that mentality. I’ll own up that most of these people I don’t even know and for every few of them there are many, many others spreading the word about very valid issues. But the loudest get heard and I have to wonder where all this is headed.  We should be supportive of one another – not exclusive.

Finally, I was promised change in the fundamental ways business gets done in Washington and I’m not seeing it on the whole. I know there are other things that need to be tended to, and I don’t believe President Obama is deliberately letting Washington business as usual go on but he’ not stopping it. And while we are on the topic,  Nancy Pelosi needs to go. She’s his worst enemy if you ask me. And get the lobbyists under control.   I know one person can’t undo years of inflated bureaucracy but someone needs to try.  

To be clear I’m not voicing a lack of support for President Oabma. I still believe he’s the right person for the job. But like-minded liberal friends – let’s get over this reluctance to question what’s going on and help problem-solve.