And Here’s Where I Come Unglued (But Only a Little Bit)

I’m sitting alone in my Mom’s house. Not totally alone – thankfully I made the decision to bring my amazing friends – furbabies – spirits – Bella and Jo – I’d be more than a little bit unglued if they weren’t here.  But it’s all wrong nonetheless.  It’s wrong being here without my Mom. The house feels cavernous. Deathly quiet. As much as she tries my nerves at times since her stroke – tests me –frustrates me – she’s still my Mom and I love her. She’s in the ICU at the hospital. She had hernia surgery today and because of her myriad of health issues (COPD, pulmonary fibrosis, emphysema among others), the surgery was high-risk and warranted ICU care post-surgery. But all is well. Her surgeon was happy with how the surgery went and I just spoke with her nurse and she’s resting peacefully. I’ll spend several days here helping her recover then head back to my home where I can resume my life – that I love – alone – without feeling unsettled in a house – my house alone.  I’m happy 98% of the time. I am so fortunate and grateful for the life I have. But – isn’t there always a but – it’s times like this – when my Mom who is my last living parent and who is chronically ill – is sick and needs me and I have to go through this alone. It’s overwhelming and suffocating at times. Dad is gone and whatever game I was playing that I knew the rules for got abruptly turned around on me and years later I still am floundering trying to figure out the rules. I’m caring for the person who cared for me for years. I’m comforting her as she cries out of fear before her surgery even though I’m terrified on the inside she won’t survive it – and I have to be strong for her and I can’t show this or else it will make her feel worse. Everything about the situation feels wrong. I’m not alone in that I have wonderful, amazing friends calling, texting, Facebooking to support me. But I think we all know it’s not the same as having a partner in life. I like being single. I love that I’m independent – I have a great deal of pride in that and love my life. But it’s when I’m under these extreme emotionally harrowing and stressful times that I miss having one person who loves me unconditionally, who knows me better than anyone – who can know what’s going on in my head and what I need simply by the expression on my face – here to walk into his arms when I got home from being at the life-sucking hospital for 12+ hours.  I know it’s not a very modern, progressive or independent way to feel but I can’t help it.  Sometimes (not often) I just want to be weak and needy and emotional and taken care of instead of being the caretaker 24/7 for everyone myself included. I wanted to walk into the house today and it not be empty, fall into someone’s arms, have him hand me a glass of wine and have dinner ordered, the dogs fed, laundry done, garbage taken out, dishes done etc. so I didn’t have to.   But that’s not my reality.  I did it all today. I gave up the Superwoman (and the martyr) thing years ago in the interest of my sanity. But I still did it all today and now I feel it in my bones, my brain, and my lower discs. Mom’s in the capable hands of her critical care nurses who will only call me if there’s an emergency.   Dogs are fed, chores are done, phone calls are made, critical work emails answered, I’m fed. So in lieu of spooning into the crook of a person who loves me for who I am and falling into a deep, peaceful sleep, and who can catch me when I do albeit infrequently allow myself to stumble, I’ll climb into the tub with a glass of wine and tune it all out until the replay begins again tomorrow morning.  Because this is the life I have chosen, and it takes courage to live this life.