I’m Not Broken Anymore

It’s funny how the tides of life sweep you in the direction you need to go sometimes when you just stop fighting it.  My back is still broken – well not really but it’s all jacked up. I do now know what’s going on, and there is a plan.  It’s also forced me into some habit changes I needed to make anyway with eating and overall health and I am feeling better all over as a result of that – mentally and physically. Green smoothies and pilates - I’ll talk more about both in a later post.  

Anyway so back to the title of this post. I’m not religious but I am spiritual and I believe all things happen for a reason. A friend of mine had mentioned to me oh maybe 3-4 times over the last couple of months a boy she wanted me to meet perhaps. He and I had met once before ever so briefly at an insane fundraising event and I had little memory of it.  I would just smile and leave it. I was ambivalent – like I have been for 2 years now. I knew she would never suggest someone to me just because we were both single and within a reasonable age range – she would think far beyond that in terms of compatibility. But still I didn’t do anything about it. I don’t hate men but I’ve tried dating, or being interested in dating or being interested even in specific people and I always had come up ambivalent about it. People would ask me if I was dating and I’d just shrug – eh no. And I don’t even really care. I’ve never been one of these individuals who can’t be alone, who *needs* to be with someone and can’t take space after a break up  -  in fact I rather enjoy being single for the most part.  That all being said I knew in my heart the ambivalence was driven by the fear I needed to overcome of being sent into the hell again I endured 2 years ago. I was afraid to trust – to feel – to allow myself to even entertain the idea of letting another individual back into my life in that capacity.  I’ve said it multiple ways since all that went on - I worried I was broken for good – damaged goods – how in the heck would I ever crack the door of my heart open again? Was I even capable? I said it a million times over to anyone who would listen – I can’t and won’t ever go through something like that again. The only guarantee for avoiding such a fate? Don’t get involved with anyone. So I haven’t.  And the weight issues – it’s all so complex. Part of me uses that as an excuse – I hide behind it because I can.

Then something rather simple and organic happened. An email was sent by my devious and plotting friend to me, her husband and this Mystery Boy she had been mentioning about going for a motorcycle ride this weekend. I reply with a quick and short “sounds fun but total game time decision given the back issues”.  Mystery Boy then replies to me – What? Back issues? I got all kinds of back issues! Let’s talk! So we talked. And talked and talked and talked some more (all via the Internets and email of course…). and for the first time in years – I felt something.  He woke something up in me. There was clicking and harmony. Harmony in the senses of humors, harmony on the intellectual levels, harmony on the dogs – he has rescue dogs and so he both understands and respects what kind of commitment is required to live with a (neurotic) rescue dog.   This person made me smile, and feel distracted, and laugh, and feel silly and moreover made me want to even maybe take it a step or two further.  He has a way with words – he acknowledged the same mutual surprise at our paths crossing and asked me if I would like a glimpse into his life.  And he also knows what it’s like to live with chronic and debilitating lower back issues.  I don’t know what’s going to happen – I suspect in some way I’m not his type  -  but then again that may be my head doing its usual monologue and I may not be giving him enough credit for being focused on what’s in the brain more than a size 2 figure.  I just don’t know yet and that’s fine with me.  Whatever the case – even if it turns into a friendship and goes nowhere else, he woke something up in me I had assumed was trapped behind a wall of thick stone  - made me realize I’m not broken – and for that I will be forever grateful.   If the stars align, if my back permits, it the weather’s not crazy, maybe I’ll even get the chance to climb on the back of his bike this weekend.