Angry

And not even for why you might think – some dumb crap’s been going on around me as of late that I’ve had little patience for but I’m trying and doing ok at the not taking stuff personally approach.

I’m mad  – raging, pissed-off mad at my back.  Last September I was diagnosed with 3 bad discs. There were bulges on L3 and L4 and L5S1 was a herniated mess of a disaster – that particular disc was causing unbearable pain – it had busted open and dumped all kinds of nasty materials into my spine.   I had an MRI, went to see a neurosurgeon, got a SNRB shot, did PT for awhile and felt better. Every now and then I get a minor flare-up I treat with NSAIDs, PT and exercise. Nothing I can’t handle.  I talk about it but  I’m not one of these people that trolls around complaining to anyone who will listen that I’m in pain.  Also, I know that the back is where women absorb emotional pain and anger, so I’ve been working on that, too.  Anyway,  I had a flare-up 2 weeks ago. And did pilates, some PT and have been treating with NSAIDs, and now Prednisone.  I’m totally against the narcotics pain relievers – my neuro warned me that people with chronic back pain are at a very high risk for becoming an addict, and my system does not tolerate them anyway.  Things had been good after that  flare-up and then I moved wrong or did something and things aren’t good yet again and this round of pain is unfortunately not as manageable.  That’s the thing about bad discs – you can do everything they tell you and not do the stuff they tell you not to do and a wrong angle at the sink brushing your teeth can send the disc back into distress.   Anyway, I was managing fine but the pain management I had been using seems to have lost it’s ability to work on whatever is going on. I know exactly what it is too – it’s the same troubled disc – L5S1 – but this time it’s bulging out to the right side instead of the left. Numbness in the feet, hip pain, leg pain and moving is painful.  Yesterday and this morning have been hell. I just had walked to the bathroom and came back to my office and started crying it hurts so bad.  One of the unpleasant side effects of bad discs is incontinence. Fortunately, I have not had that issue but if I do have to go, the pressure on the discs is unbearable. Also because this is dealing with pathology of the spine, it affects my whole demeanor – not uncommon with discs. The spine is directly connected to the nervous system and brain – it’s an inevitable consequence.

See here is the thing. I used to run mini-marathons, do mini-tris and regularly ride 75-100 miles on my bike without blinking. All that’s out the window and I have made peace with that. But even sometimes low impact exercise causes me pain. I can’t even do yoga anymore – the twisting is painful.  I want to walk my dogs and not have pain. I want to be able to clean my house and maintain it without pain. And the weight. Oy the weight.  I have Graves’s Disease -a thyroid disorder that makes it extremely hard to for me to lose weight in any case. I had managed my weight mostly through exercise and diet and now that I can’t workout, the weight has piled on and keeps piling on. I feel utterly terrible about myself and feel at a loss to do anything about it. Until you’ve walked in the shoes of an overweight person, you can’t understand what I mean. People stare at me.  Guys aren’t interested wholesale – which whatever but it still stings even if I’m not  interested.  Which in turn does not help the disc issues because I start to feel helpless. And angry again – see the pattern? I feel like I’m on some insane hamster wheel I can’t get off. Gain weight, exercise, stop exercising because back hurts, exercise again when it stops hurting.    Oh and surgery. Everything I’ve read and everything my PT have told me – despite that I love my neuro – says don’t do it. You’ll never be the same.  So I am here, singing the song of many before me –  what to do about chronic, almost debilitating back pain when there are so few options?

I am in the process of formulating a plan that involves PT, doctors, my neuro, acupuncture, pilates and whatever else I can manage.  At least I am capable and can take some degree of control over my health and well-being. I am going to focus on taking things one day at a time. I’m drastically changing my eating habits starting with at least 2 green smoothies a day. And I have to better manage my stress levels. Period. This is a major issue.  The bad back impacts everything – my work, my dogs (they know when Mommy is “sick” and Bella like clockwork acts out – she attacked Jo twice this weekend for no reason and escaped this morning…), my family, my ability to travel and just do stuff.

I don’t need to be an athlete again. She’s in there I have to fight her back sometimes daily. I look at photos of me after one of the last minis I did and I want to cry – I was never skinny but I was strong – muscular – fit. I could do yardwork and walk the dogs no problems. All those things are a chore now. But I have not lost all my strength. I can survive and do better in pilates that people far skinnier than I am. But something needs to happen. I need off the roller coaster ride – it’s not fun.