I received a friend request this morning on Facebook from a girl who went to my gradeschool and 2 years of my high school. I was neither popular nor well-liked in grade or high school – mainly due to being smart, a little alternative and slightly overweight. I finally found my people and my stride in college – the 4 years I spent at Hanover were some of the best in my life and the many friends I made there are like my family and so it was that I made peace with my cruel K-1 2 years. Anyway, back to the Facebook friend request. I’ve reconnected with lots of people from Hanover and even some from high school there and it’s been great – no hard feelings from high school. No one from grade school showed up until yesterday. And this girl – words to describe how cruel she was completely elude me. She made my 7 years in grade school totally and completely miserable. For lack of a better term she was my nemesis. She verbally abused me and my family (my parents were older when I was born making me the apparent butt of her jokes). She played horrible tricks on me, openly made fun of me in front of classmates, and worked tirelessly to exclude me and make me feel left out and bad. I was only ever in one fight in school and it was when she said something mean about my mom’s age - I had it and hit her in the head with my purse. Mom always tried to tell me it was because she was jealous. At the time I could not see it but it’s probably true. I grew up in a boring, vanilla, no-divorce family. We ate meals together, went on vacation together, did stuff in our Catholic church and had little dysfunction. I was loved more than anything by my parents. This girl on the other hand had a dead-beat, drug - using and dealing father. Her mom was a strung-out town whore and so she mostly she stayed with her grandmother – no doubt to escape a horrible home life. And they were painfully poor – though all efforts were made to conceal that when she came into school at age 12 with Louis Vuitton purses and numerous other material objects. But my mom was the school bookkeeper so I knew this girl was attending expensive, parochial school on the dime of anonymous donors – 2 of which happened to be my parents. I of course never said anything about that. I could have and often fantasized about saying something to my class to try and alleviate the pain I endured on a daily basis at her hand – but I was raised in a family where we helped others less fortunate and did so with no judgement.
So I get a friend request yesterday from her on Facebook. I at first thought maybe she’s grown up and wants to be just friends – face value – no ulterior motive. But when I looked at her profile, I see nothing there to make me think she’s changed. She has several photos posted of her rather large diamond wedding ring and other material things. Who does that at age 34? And she looks evil in her photo. So I feel sure that she only wants to be my friend to see what I am doing now and judge (my profile is hidden unless you are my friend).
So the quandary – what do I do? It makes me sick that she can still ellicit this kind of horrible feeling in me after all these years so I’m leaning towards no. I have so many incredible friends who love and accept me for who I am – why invite others in?
The timing of this is interesting as I was talking to one of my amazing, non-evil close friends Dana about this yesterday – people finding people from the past on Facebook. It’s an interesting social experiment. But I don’t think I’ll be pursuing this particular experiment.
Yes. That is prudent. Don’t accept the invite.
You owe her nothing–and certainly not a fake internet friendship.
I’m sorry her appearance brought up such painful memories.
This comes up for me over and over again with high school and grade school acquaintances. Why is it so hard to click that Ignore button? I have to make myself do it. I don’t know why it’s so bad b/c I don’t think they ever get any notice that SAYS you chose not to accept them. I’ve actually started doing this with work colleagues also– just to protect my privacy a little.
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Hit the ignore button and don’t fret for one second.
I was a hella-nerd through most of my school years and am always stunned when I get a friend request from someone who spent the better part of their childhood making mine a living hell.
For a long time, I wanted to be the mature adult and let bygones be bygones, recognize that people change, understand that kids are mean, but the honest truth is that doesn’t change the memories I have of being treated like shit. They didn’t want to get to know me then, so there’s no need for them to know about me now.
Childish? Maybe. Liberating? Abso-freakin’-lutely.
Send a message. Say “Who are you? I don’t remember you.” She’ll explain how you were buds in school. Then be like “Nope, don’t remember you. Are you sure you went to my school?” Give her a complex that she wasn’t all that important. Then eventually click. Ignore. Goodbye.
I would probably connect, as my curious nature would compel me to do. Yes, I would probably be sorry but I am an optimist, always hoping for the best. I have found that some people grow and change, case-in-point, my brother in law. I thought he was cocky in h.s. but now, I consider myself lucky to call him my brother-in-law. If she is still a snot ‘killer her with kindness’, as my mom would tell me to do, making her feel bad for treating you bad and if she doesn’t get it…pity her and her pathetic life.
My advice, if you think it would really bother you or cause you great emotional discomfort, don’t connect with her. It is not worth it. Upward and onward, baby!
I have ignored several friend requests for various reasons. You owe this person nothing and should ignore and enjoy your “now” life.
Some people would argue that the kids who were mean in high school secretly did want to be friends with you but didn’t know how to. Maybe some of us were too “different” and unapproachable and maybe we even seemed to cool for the coolest kids, so they reacted by being mean and making fun to deflect attention from themselves and on to someone else.
Maybe this chick spends a lot of time taking photos of material possessions because she grew up poor and the only way she knows how to measure success in life is by the amount of money she can accumulate.
But, really, I wouldn’t put that much thought into it. I have had tons of “friend” requests from former high school classmates on the social networking sites, and more often than not, it’s people who a.) want to add everyone they possible can to have more friends or b.) want to be able to see my pictures because they’re dying to know what I look like now.
If anything, you’re probably thinking way more about this add than she is. I just wouldn’t add her.
Thank you thank you thank you all my wonderful friends for commenting here. Looking back on this post, I realized how much pain she had caused me in my childhood and how much pain this request resurrected so I sped on past this one. Sorry Steve Who Speaks the Truth Sometimes – I just could not take the high road on this one. First social networking invite I’ve ever declined/ignored. And the diamond ring photos are down now so maybe she reads this blog – read away if indeed you do my acquaintenance from the past.
Yes, Katie, you have summed it up in your most recent comment.
This person bullied you when you were young and she has succeeded in bullying you into a lot of pain and soul-searching even now as a normally happy adult.
Had you received a letter through the mail, you would probably have burned it and then forgotten it, wouldn’t you?
Well… do the same here…. push the ‘ignore’ button and get on with your life…. (your computer is a tool, not a tyrant which must be obeyed!)
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