I can’t sugarcoat anything about my time at Mom’s this past week. Thanksgiving was miserable this year. And I can’t say I am surprised because my sister and I have known this was coming since Mom had her stroke but we’d been lulled into some sort of blissful ignorance. Plus I had been unable to travel there with my back so I had not seen Mom in person for several months. There were no huge outbursts or major family dramas – just small ones. What there was though was a series of pretty loud messages that Mom can no longer be her own caretaker of her affairs and damn if she’s going to let anyone else care-take. It would take days and paragraphs to actually recount everything so instead I’ll pick a few select bits to try and illustrate the sitation:
1. Mom’s not been feeling well and has been to the doc several times over the last month. It’s a combo of anxiety over several things and respiratory issues – bronchitis, sinus infection maybe. It’s easy to forget since the stroke that she has COPD and pulmonary fibrosis but they are both there and troublesome. No one goes with her to the doc by her design (because if anyone did she might be committed someplace…)so I always quiz her on what was prescribed when she gets home. I can understand her about 30% of the time so when I am at her house I always do a review of the medicine cabinet. So you can imagine the shock and horror I experienced when I opened up the cabinet and found the following all having been prescribed in the last 30 days by the same doctor: liquid Hydrocodone, Ambien, Clonazepam, Percoset, and a refill on her Darvocet for her arthritis. W. T. F. I summoned her in there and asked what all this was for. Her reply was I don’t know. I asked if she’s been having pain. No. I asked if she’d been taking them all. No. What had she been taking? Only the Ambien sometimes and sometimes the Clonazepam for anxiety, and the ”red pills” for her back (Darvoset). Did you tell Dr. Dumbfark you were in pain? No. Ok so I’m no medical professional but what she has here, taken incorrectly, is a cocktail for going to sleep and not waking up. Dr. Dumbfark also seems to be a fan of off-label prescriptions – Clonazepam has anti-anxiety qualities but it’s actually an anti-seizure med and she gets side effects from it. What’s wrong with plain old Xanax for anxiety? My sincerest apologies to the Louisville, KY water supply but I dumped everything down the toilet but the Darvocet and Clonazepam. And Dr. Dumbfark – as soon as I get medical power of attorney I’m going to be paying you and your negligent office staff a long-overdue visit.
2. When I arrived at Mom’s house Wednesday, I noticed she had 4 new space heaters. I asked why and she told me she got her gas bill and the budget plan was going to be going up a lot so she went out and bought them. My mom is now that Old Person.
3. While there, Mom received a notice from her investment company about tax withholdings for 2009 – standard. You had to either check filing single or married and how many exemptions. She wants to just tell them how much to keep back and when she asked us for help and my sister and I tried to explain that was not an option on the card and she’d have to call, this resulted in one of the several Mount Mom eruptions that went on over the course of the week. We went from normal to hateful in less than 60 seconds.
4. She is so stressed out about money and the economy she’s making herself physically ill. I can’t really blame her to be honest - she’s retired, unable to work and is seeing her retirement lose thousands on paper each month but rash reactions are not the key. I personally think if she can just be patient it will all be ok. But she informed my sister and I she was going to list her house next week for sale and move into an assisted living facility that will cost at least $3000 a month. This is in theory not a bad idea, but the logic is all wrong. Her current expenses are substantially less than $3k per month -she owns her house outright. Plus selling the house in a credit-stifled market in the dead of winter is a bad idea. Again my sister and I tried to counsel her and that resulted in yet another Mount Mom eruption. And then on my last day there like a 13 year old she asked me to call my sister and apologize for her. I declined.
Anyway, there are several things going on but bottom-line is she’s to the point where her finances are getting too overwhelming and complicated for her to manage and the doctor/medical thing – well I don’t even know what to say about that. It’s clear to me that her primary doctor is not taking the time to understand her and keeps throwing pills at the problems. I don’t know how many of my readers know my mom, but to say she’s stubborn is an understatement and she won’t willingly give any of us medical or regular power of attorney. And none of us want that anyway – well my sister and I need to be medical power of attorney but we want an independent 3rd party of be power of attorney and in charge of her affairs - she’s less likely to verbally abuse someone in her lawyer’s office and it’s not about money – it’s about taking care of her. She irrationally fears that if my sister or I get medical power of attorney, we will commit her someplace. I just want to be able to interface with her doctors (and ask him why he’s prescribing what he is – for bronchitis I expect an antibiotic and maybe a steroid – not sleeping pills and painkillers) and right now we can’t even talk to anyone because of HIPAA laws.
For the first time in the 12 years that I’ve lived in Indy, I’ve actually thought seriously that I need to move back to Louisville to take care of her. I also feel paralyzed as to what to do. Normally, when a conflict comes my way, I absorb a situation then kick into research and solve mode but that’s not happening with this. I don’t even know where to begin. I did decide after a good night of rest finally that uprooting my job, life and house would be a terrible idea right now – I not ashamed to admit that the resentment and anger I would feel towards her would be beyond destructive. I’d rather do the miles in the car and have my life stay intact here. And I think we can work on the medical power of attorney thing without having it get ugly – still working on that. So I guess those are first steps.
I’m 34 and I feel so lost – and I detest feeling like this. I desperately want to be able to ask my parents for advice on what to do. Unfortunately, one is dead and the other is only a shred of who she really was post-stroke – and who I need advice about. I am close to my sister, we get along and she and I are really good partners on this roller coaster for which I am so thankful but I have to say holidays like this – especially when I am single – make me feel very alone in this world.
ok, I’ll comment
I’m shocked by your mom’s doctor, b/c that’s obviously the last thing you need to worry about. And I know the feeling of not having a family to turn to when that’s all you want, my situation is to a much lesser extent, but that feeling of isolation is still the same.
Keep your friends close. Spike the nog, turn up the carols, and dance with the pups. The bad parts won’t get better anytime soon, so I hope you can find some positive to balance it out. virtual hand squeeze.
You poor woman. I have no idea what you’re going through, but know my parents are going through the same thing with my dad’s mom and my mom’s parents. I would hate it if you moved, and can’t tell you what the “right” thing to do is, but I encourage you to be selfish, for what it’s worth, and live your life not for your mom but for yourself.
Wow…I will send good thoughts your way. Maybe looking at it like this might help: when I am going through the things you are, I will be an old man myself.
My heart goes out to you. My mom and I are struggling with the same issues with my Grandma, who well into her 80’s and hooked up to oxygen round the clock insists upon living by herself in her wreck of a house thirty miles away.
I wish I had some sage advice for you – I know how exhausting it is to deal with it face to face, cry about it all the way home, and dwell on it when you’re not around – but, clearly the pot doesn’t need to be dispensing advice to the kettle here. : )
Find comfort in having a sister who’s by your side and know if you ever need to talk, scream, or rage about it, I’m right there with you.