Normally what one would expect to follow would be me talking about how my full-time job and all the other stuff I do makes me feel guilty about not spending as much time with my children as I should. Except that I don’t have human children (only quadrupeds…). I have a mother. And mom has in her very special “only she can do it” way has made me feel guilty again. It’s a hard week for her I know – she and dad were married on Valentine’s Day. But it’s also a hard week for me for not unrelated reasons. February 13th would have marked 3 years for my relationship that ended 6 months ago. It’s truly amazing the amount of guilt she can pack into one 10-minute phone conversation.
Here are some of the sound bytes:
“Dr. FeelGood asked why none of my kids live with me and why I still live alone. I told him that you are too busy with your dogs and your sister is too busy with her kids and husband.” Let’s not forget my sister is also taking care of our brother who is physically unable to walk because of a stroke. And we don’t live there because we would all be admitted to the looney bin if we did. What kind of doctor suggests to a person that their adult children move in with them not knowing the situation?
“I told Dr. FeelGood that if I have another stroke, that you kids aren’t allowed to put me back in that place again.” Hmm. Don’t know how he replied to this one but the doc and hospital “put” you there, not me and my sister. I drove you there and had to endure watching you sob hysterically and shout at me not to leave you when I left. But I did not make the decision to “put” you there.
“You don’t live alone so you don’t know how I feel.” Actually I do live alone. Yeah I’ve got the dogs and cats but I don’t live with another person or people.
“Too bad you won’t be getting any presents this week for Valentine’s Day. Daddy always gave me presents.” Thanks mom. Rub salt in my already open and inflamed wound.
“You never come to see me anymore so I don’t know how on earth the yard will be ready for spring. You know I can’t do the work myself. If you had not bought that house, you would still be able to work in my yard.” I don’t have a reply to this one except maybe if I had not bought that house maybe I’d be living in a box?
“I told Dr. FeelGood that Bella knocked me over so he could make sure that was not causing any issues.” That happened 2 months ago and you should not have been chasing her to begin with.
I know I could and should be a better daughter. Mom is lonely and pretty much feels bad physically all the time between the pulmonary fibrosis and stroke-related complications. It haunts me actually. I think about it daily. I could sell my house, leave my job, pack up all my stuff and move to Louisville to take care of mom. Leave everything I have known and built here for the last 12 years. And don’t think I have not seriously considered it. Sometimes I wonder what does keep me here beyond my friends, house and job. And I don’t mean to sound flip about those things, all of which are very important to me, but I don’t have kids in school, or a partner, or own a business here. I am bound to the city but the ties are not made of steel. Dad is gone and I know at some point I’ll seriously regret not being closer to mom geographically and not spending more time with her. It makes things hard now that I live 2 hours away. I worry constantly that I am a bad caregiver and by nature of the fact I live 100 miles away there are things I don’t do. I see and read about people who drop everything to care for ill parents and family members and I don’t know how they survive – financially, emotionally or otherwise. Not working is not an option for me. I know I should feel more appreciative since I still have mom and I do observe gratitude about it especially since dad is gone. But since the stroke she’s not the same. At all. And I can’t take the verbal abuse beyond a certain point. My sister is in the same position with my brother – she has to work and he cannot live with them (no room and the house is old and would require major renovations they can’t afford to make it handicap accessible). He’s openly unappreciative for what she does for him- another function of his stroke. I’ve had to set boundaries on how much, when and why I go to mom’s. I prioritize and go for doctor’s appointments and medical procedures and birthdays and holidays. I don’t go just to hang for a weekend. And I feel like a bad daughter for doing so. I’m not the only person responsible for helping mom – she has sisters and a brother, my sister, neighbors etc. But I have to survive myself so I make these difficult choices. It’s life – this much I know. Mostly I feel like I don’t know what the right thing is. Do I put the welfare of someone else in front of my own? Especially since this person selflessly did the same for me for years? Since I don’t have a partner what would the fallout be of me neglecting myself when I am all I have to care for myself? In some cases there is a scaffolding – someone or people to support the caregiver financially and otherwise. And I have that in many ways with friends but for my livelihood, health and whatnot, I am my own scaffolding – no one else there. So most days I can’t put that in peril to keep someone else’s building propped up. And most days I fully realize it’s all a big house of cards – not just me but the whole thing, my whole family, and at any minute the house of cards could crash in. I am borderline obsessive-compulsive so I think about the what ifs all the time -what if mom had another stroke and could not walk? What if her lung problems get so bad she needs 24 hour care? What if she falls and breaks a hip? I can’t predict what will happen. I can only deal with what happens as it comes. So for today I’ll not engage in what ifs, and realize she does love me, and be thankful that I have a family in the form of my biological relatives and friends. That’s about all I can do for today.
Ah the guilt! It will eat you up from the inside out. I’m not quite sure where the notion came that the kids MUST care for the parents at some point. My mother used to rant how I had selfishly “abandoned” her when I moved, got married, and had a child. I was no longer there to drive her to dr appts, clean her house, do her grocery shopping, etc. But honestly, all of this wore me out and made me sick (literally!). Before my mother died, my sister had to sit through hours of listening to our mother and my stepdad tell her how she will eventually have to take care of them. It nauseates me. Not every parent is this way and not every parent does the guilt thing. I have a guilt-free relationship with my father and he expects nothing…and that makes me want to give more! Amazing how that happens, right????
The guilt will eat you up if you let it.. I know that it seems that you are alone to fight this enduring battle with your mother. I have a mother of my own that acts the same way. She gave birth to me, and somehow that means I am indebted for every detail of her life now. She is very demanding, but I have found that since I purchased responselink medical alarms, it really has changed alot at her house. I used to write on the calendar her medication times and schedule her doctor appointments, now with RL they call and remind her to take her meds, and they call me and her to remind us of her doctor appointments. They are on call 24 hours a day if she was to have an emergency situation and need help. A live operator responds to her if she needs it. I have set up 2 wellness checks per day for them to call and check on her, if there is no response on her end, they send emergency crews right away. Since I have subscribed to responselink for her it has taken a lot off of me and made her feel like she has her independence while I am still overseeing it… lol ,, works out great for us both!