And Here’s Where I Come Unglued (But Only a Little Bit)

I’m sitting alone in my Mom’s house. Not totally alone – thankfully I made the decision to bring my amazing friends – furbabies – spirits – Bella and Jo – I’d be more than a little bit unglued if they weren’t here.  But it’s all wrong nonetheless.  It’s wrong being here without my Mom. The house feels cavernous. Deathly quiet. As much as she tries my nerves at times since her stroke – tests me –frustrates me – she’s still my Mom and I love her. She’s in the ICU at the hospital. She had hernia surgery today and because of her myriad of health issues (COPD, pulmonary fibrosis, emphysema among others), the surgery was high-risk and warranted ICU care post-surgery. But all is well. Her surgeon was happy with how the surgery went and I just spoke with her nurse and she’s resting peacefully. I’ll spend several days here helping her recover then head back to my home where I can resume my life – that I love – alone – without feeling unsettled in a house – my house alone.  I’m happy 98% of the time. I am so fortunate and grateful for the life I have. But – isn’t there always a but – it’s times like this – when my Mom who is my last living parent and who is chronically ill – is sick and needs me and I have to go through this alone. It’s overwhelming and suffocating at times. Dad is gone and whatever game I was playing that I knew the rules for got abruptly turned around on me and years later I still am floundering trying to figure out the rules. I’m caring for the person who cared for me for years. I’m comforting her as she cries out of fear before her surgery even though I’m terrified on the inside she won’t survive it – and I have to be strong for her and I can’t show this or else it will make her feel worse. Everything about the situation feels wrong. I’m not alone in that I have wonderful, amazing friends calling, texting, Facebooking to support me. But I think we all know it’s not the same as having a partner in life. I like being single. I love that I’m independent – I have a great deal of pride in that and love my life. But it’s when I’m under these extreme emotionally harrowing and stressful times that I miss having one person who loves me unconditionally, who knows me better than anyone – who can know what’s going on in my head and what I need simply by the expression on my face – here to walk into his arms when I got home from being at the life-sucking hospital for 12+ hours.  I know it’s not a very modern, progressive or independent way to feel but I can’t help it.  Sometimes (not often) I just want to be weak and needy and emotional and taken care of instead of being the caretaker 24/7 for everyone myself included. I wanted to walk into the house today and it not be empty, fall into someone’s arms, have him hand me a glass of wine and have dinner ordered, the dogs fed, laundry done, garbage taken out, dishes done etc. so I didn’t have to.   But that’s not my reality.  I did it all today. I gave up the Superwoman (and the martyr) thing years ago in the interest of my sanity. But I still did it all today and now I feel it in my bones, my brain, and my lower discs. Mom’s in the capable hands of her critical care nurses who will only call me if there’s an emergency.   Dogs are fed, chores are done, phone calls are made, critical work emails answered, I’m fed. So in lieu of spooning into the crook of a person who loves me for who I am and falling into a deep, peaceful sleep, and who can catch me when I do albeit infrequently allow myself to stumble, I’ll climb into the tub with a glass of wine and tune it all out until the replay begins again tomorrow morning.  Because this is the life I have chosen, and it takes courage to live this life.

Four Square

It’s a game.

Not the bad kind that silly adults play – not a mind game.

The good kind – the kind you play to have fun. The kind you played on the playground at recess. Fun, freeing, silly.  The kind that makes you smile.

Maybe 4 square or hot potato.  No one wants control of the ball. It gets lobbed back and forth. Each time the players move a little closer together to make the passing easier. Giggling, then hiding behind friends.

Confident people lacking confidence in this specific game.  Slow. Methodical. Sometimes standing still. Sometimes slowly, cautiously moving forward. Not taking steps back. Not rushing to win, or lose.

Still too soon to tell.

I’m Not Broken Anymore

It’s funny how the tides of life sweep you in the direction you need to go sometimes when you just stop fighting it.  My back is still broken – well not really but it’s all jacked up. I do now know what’s going on, and there is a plan.  It’s also forced me into some habit changes I needed to make anyway with eating and overall health and I am feeling better all over as a result of that – mentally and physically. Green smoothies and pilates - I’ll talk more about both in a later post.  

Anyway so back to the title of this post. I’m not religious but I am spiritual and I believe all things happen for a reason. A friend of mine had mentioned to me oh maybe 3-4 times over the last couple of months a boy she wanted me to meet perhaps. He and I had met once before ever so briefly at an insane fundraising event and I had little memory of it.  I would just smile and leave it. I was ambivalent – like I have been for 2 years now. I knew she would never suggest someone to me just because we were both single and within a reasonable age range – she would think far beyond that in terms of compatibility. But still I didn’t do anything about it. I don’t hate men but I’ve tried dating, or being interested in dating or being interested even in specific people and I always had come up ambivalent about it. People would ask me if I was dating and I’d just shrug – eh no. And I don’t even really care. I’ve never been one of these individuals who can’t be alone, who *needs* to be with someone and can’t take space after a break up  -  in fact I rather enjoy being single for the most part.  That all being said I knew in my heart the ambivalence was driven by the fear I needed to overcome of being sent into the hell again I endured 2 years ago. I was afraid to trust – to feel – to allow myself to even entertain the idea of letting another individual back into my life in that capacity.  I’ve said it multiple ways since all that went on - I worried I was broken for good – damaged goods – how in the heck would I ever crack the door of my heart open again? Was I even capable? I said it a million times over to anyone who would listen – I can’t and won’t ever go through something like that again. The only guarantee for avoiding such a fate? Don’t get involved with anyone. So I haven’t.  And the weight issues – it’s all so complex. Part of me uses that as an excuse – I hide behind it because I can.

Then something rather simple and organic happened. An email was sent by my devious and plotting friend to me, her husband and this Mystery Boy she had been mentioning about going for a motorcycle ride this weekend. I reply with a quick and short “sounds fun but total game time decision given the back issues”.  Mystery Boy then replies to me – What? Back issues? I got all kinds of back issues! Let’s talk! So we talked. And talked and talked and talked some more (all via the Internets and email of course…). and for the first time in years – I felt something.  He woke something up in me. There was clicking and harmony. Harmony in the senses of humors, harmony on the intellectual levels, harmony on the dogs – he has rescue dogs and so he both understands and respects what kind of commitment is required to live with a (neurotic) rescue dog.   This person made me smile, and feel distracted, and laugh, and feel silly and moreover made me want to even maybe take it a step or two further.  He has a way with words – he acknowledged the same mutual surprise at our paths crossing and asked me if I would like a glimpse into his life.  And he also knows what it’s like to live with chronic and debilitating lower back issues.  I don’t know what’s going to happen – I suspect in some way I’m not his type  -  but then again that may be my head doing its usual monologue and I may not be giving him enough credit for being focused on what’s in the brain more than a size 2 figure.  I just don’t know yet and that’s fine with me.  Whatever the case – even if it turns into a friendship and goes nowhere else, he woke something up in me I had assumed was trapped behind a wall of thick stone  - made me realize I’m not broken – and for that I will be forever grateful.   If the stars align, if my back permits, it the weather’s not crazy, maybe I’ll even get the chance to climb on the back of his bike this weekend.

Angry

And not even for why you might think – some dumb crap’s been going on around me as of late that I’ve had little patience for but I’m trying and doing ok at the not taking stuff personally approach.

I’m mad  – raging, pissed-off mad at my back.  Last September I was diagnosed with 3 bad discs. There were bulges on L3 and L4 and L5S1 was a herniated mess of a disaster – that particular disc was causing unbearable pain – it had busted open and dumped all kinds of nasty materials into my spine.   I had an MRI, went to see a neurosurgeon, got a SNRB shot, did PT for awhile and felt better. Every now and then I get a minor flare-up I treat with NSAIDs, PT and exercise. Nothing I can’t handle.  I talk about it but  I’m not one of these people that trolls around complaining to anyone who will listen that I’m in pain.  Also, I know that the back is where women absorb emotional pain and anger, so I’ve been working on that, too.  Anyway,  I had a flare-up 2 weeks ago. And did pilates, some PT and have been treating with NSAIDs, and now Prednisone.  I’m totally against the narcotics pain relievers – my neuro warned me that people with chronic back pain are at a very high risk for becoming an addict, and my system does not tolerate them anyway.  Things had been good after that  flare-up and then I moved wrong or did something and things aren’t good yet again and this round of pain is unfortunately not as manageable.  That’s the thing about bad discs – you can do everything they tell you and not do the stuff they tell you not to do and a wrong angle at the sink brushing your teeth can send the disc back into distress.   Anyway, I was managing fine but the pain management I had been using seems to have lost it’s ability to work on whatever is going on. I know exactly what it is too – it’s the same troubled disc – L5S1 – but this time it’s bulging out to the right side instead of the left. Numbness in the feet, hip pain, leg pain and moving is painful.  Yesterday and this morning have been hell. I just had walked to the bathroom and came back to my office and started crying it hurts so bad.  One of the unpleasant side effects of bad discs is incontinence. Fortunately, I have not had that issue but if I do have to go, the pressure on the discs is unbearable. Also because this is dealing with pathology of the spine, it affects my whole demeanor – not uncommon with discs. The spine is directly connected to the nervous system and brain – it’s an inevitable consequence.

See here is the thing. I used to run mini-marathons, do mini-tris and regularly ride 75-100 miles on my bike without blinking. All that’s out the window and I have made peace with that. But even sometimes low impact exercise causes me pain. I can’t even do yoga anymore – the twisting is painful.  I want to walk my dogs and not have pain. I want to be able to clean my house and maintain it without pain. And the weight. Oy the weight.  I have Graves’s Disease -a thyroid disorder that makes it extremely hard to for me to lose weight in any case. I had managed my weight mostly through exercise and diet and now that I can’t workout, the weight has piled on and keeps piling on. I feel utterly terrible about myself and feel at a loss to do anything about it. Until you’ve walked in the shoes of an overweight person, you can’t understand what I mean. People stare at me.  Guys aren’t interested wholesale – which whatever but it still stings even if I’m not  interested.  Which in turn does not help the disc issues because I start to feel helpless. And angry again – see the pattern? I feel like I’m on some insane hamster wheel I can’t get off. Gain weight, exercise, stop exercising because back hurts, exercise again when it stops hurting.    Oh and surgery. Everything I’ve read and everything my PT have told me – despite that I love my neuro – says don’t do it. You’ll never be the same.  So I am here, singing the song of many before me –  what to do about chronic, almost debilitating back pain when there are so few options?

I am in the process of formulating a plan that involves PT, doctors, my neuro, acupuncture, pilates and whatever else I can manage.  At least I am capable and can take some degree of control over my health and well-being. I am going to focus on taking things one day at a time. I’m drastically changing my eating habits starting with at least 2 green smoothies a day. And I have to better manage my stress levels. Period. This is a major issue.  The bad back impacts everything – my work, my dogs (they know when Mommy is “sick” and Bella like clockwork acts out – she attacked Jo twice this weekend for no reason and escaped this morning…), my family, my ability to travel and just do stuff.

I don’t need to be an athlete again. She’s in there I have to fight her back sometimes daily. I look at photos of me after one of the last minis I did and I want to cry – I was never skinny but I was strong – muscular – fit. I could do yardwork and walk the dogs no problems. All those things are a chore now. But I have not lost all my strength. I can survive and do better in pilates that people far skinnier than I am. But something needs to happen. I need off the roller coaster ride – it’s not fun.

Has Vick Paid His Debt to Society?

There are many people who feel quite strongly about this one way or the other. Personally, I don’t think he has. I’m irritated with the NFL for letting him back in (albeit conditionally), but they are a private organization and thus free to do what they want. The real failure happened years ago in the legal system.  There is really no legal precedent for how to try and sentence these kinds of animal abuse and dog fighting situations and the laws are still trying to catch up. Mainly because the crime of dog fighting runs in packs with other crimes like child abuse, drug use and trafficking, illegal weapons possessions, theft etc.  So typically when crimes are being tried, people are going to jail for a multitude of reasons on various charges which muddies the legal waters of how this all gets handled. And for career criminals 2 years in jail is nothing – easy time they’ll tell you. People who engage in this kind of animal abuse are sociopaths – same kind of sociopaths who abuse partners, spouses, children.  The question remains as to whether or not these people can be rehabilitated and rejoin society as law-abiding citizens- and if they can the rehab certainly won’t happen in jail. Normally I think PETA’s all kinds of crazy and ignore them, but they are right about Vick needing a psychiatric evaluation.  

I will say that my emotion over the situation had clouded my judgement on a couple of issues resulting in some heated conversations with close friends on this issue. A few of my good  friends have made really good points for keeping an open mind on the whole felons have the right to rebuild their life once they’ve paid their debt to society issue.  I get that and don’t disagree. But Vick is not a normal, regular person. He’s a pro-athlete. He gets special treatment. I have major issues with the pro-athlete situation in this country in general – which I believe unfairly influenced how this situation went down. My dislike for the NFL and NBA thugs (and my view that they are symbolic of much of what is wrong with the United States) is also an unpopular opinion with my friends. They are all overpaid and many of them live above the law.  And on the life rebuilding thing perhaps they should have spent a little more time in college listening in classes instead of playing sports so they would have options.  I don’t have the time or patience to enter into the pro-athlete/celeb/public figure aspect of the situation now. That’s a longer post for later.  I will say one thing and that is Vick has bankrupted himself literally to the tune of millions paying lawyers, PR people and a whole village to keep the sentence as light as possible, direct most of the blame of the more heinous aspects of the situation to others, and play the PR game now that he’s out. Remorse? Who the hell knows because all that comes out of his mouth are obviously scripted sound bites from his PR handlers saying all the right things. And the head NFL guy  – kudos to him – has even called him out on that saying words are useless at this point – actions speak louder.  And the Tony Dungy involvement as his new mentor? Pope Tony of the NFL Does No Wrong. Vick’s managed to align himself with this saint to cut down on the hostility factor and shame on Dungy for allowing himself to be manipulated in this manner.  

I think where I’m confused is I actually sense there are people out there who have some level of sympathy for him and what is described as a huge and almost insurmountable task he has of rebuilding himself. Whatever. I don’t feel sorry for him. He did abhorrent things and has to pay.  Help me understand that. Go read the specifics of the case. Look at the photos then let me know how you feel.  This was not just training dogs to fight which is despicable in and of itself. This was torturing and killing them for entertainment. Trust me  – you don’t want those people living next door to you. You don’t want them in your neighborhood, or your city. Think about this in the context of a regular citizen, or a different crime. What if John Smith had done this? 2 years enough? What if it had been a child abuse case not dog fighting? I’m trying to keep my mind open when I have discussions with friends who don’t agree with me. You get jaded once you’ve seen abused animals and it’s difficult to reset your mind about issues like this.  I’ll admit I have a bias.  

In closing, instead of just spouting off words and inflaming people, I’ll continue to put my money where my mouth is by being involved in dog rescue.

Has BlogHer Become SwagHer?

I’m waiting for the blog posts from several trusted colleagues and others I read in the blogosphere about BlogHer2009 to get the real scoop.  I did not attend this year. I attended the 2nd Blogher in 2007 which for the most part I loved. There was that whole high school mentality going on – I consistently overheard things like “how come there are no A list bloggers here” (whatever the h that is supposed to mean…I know I’m NOT A list but who qualifies as A list????) to “let’s attend this session - the swag’s supposed to be good” and there were the requisite I guess A listers - women running in their packs at all the cocktail parties – the Mean Girls of BlogHer decked out in their trendy pencil skirts and kitten-heeled pumps circulating around with their martini glasses in one hand and cigarettes in the other - it was at Navy Pier so many things took place outside hence the smoking – it was almost like hey we’ve been emancipated for 3 days lets take in as many substances as possible! But any high school hijinks were far outweighed by the people I met, the content of the sessions I attended and the speakers. 

What I’m hearing about BlogHer 2009 already is that the driver of the conference was not the sessions, speakers or content. But those wanting FREE STUFF – swag – and the parties. Hey I like partying and free stuff as much as the next person but when I go to a conference, it’s usually to enrich my professional life.  I won’t stand in a line forever to get something free, or to get my makeup done or attend a session I could otherwise not give a rat’s rump about to get something. Unless Amy Sedaris is signing books. I’m there to network and learn something. And this makes me sad. BlogHer used to be about a supportive community of women – not exclusion and material items.  Now it’s about free shit and who’s invited to what parties? If I liked high school that much, I would have stayed there.   And I never thought I’d say this but if what I’m reading is true, I’d rather be at any developer conference. At least there everything and everyone pretty much coexists at face value.

The larger disappointment is I’ve been seeing this same phenomena in the blogosphere lately which is why I’ve mostly redone my RSS feed to get newsy blogs only and the blogs of people who I’ve read forever, or are my friends. And yeah I keep some of the trainwreck blogs in there for entertainment value. But this “too cool for school” thing going on. Women that run in virtual packs to talk about Moses baby baskets, who said what mean thing to their kid at the Prada playdate, who got left out of the Prada playdate and general uppityness. I’m no doubt opening myself up to even more hatred than with the military recruitment post by admitting this but I’ve taken to calling them the “MommybloggerCartel” which as a caveat I have to admit is a sweeping generalization but I findit amusing nonetheless. I have mom friends who blog about their kids and I love reading those blogs. The cartel goes far beyond being moms, or bloggers. It’s something else. It’s a cult almost – and admission is not granted to everyone.  I attended an all-girls Catholic high school so you better believe I’m so over that mentality. I’ll own up that most of these people I don’t even know and for every few of them there are many, many others spreading the word about very valid issues. But the loudest get heard and I have to wonder where all this is headed.  We should be supportive of one another – not exclusive.

Questioning Our Leaders

I’ve been noticing an odd phenomena amongst like-minded liberal folks since January 2009.  It’s a total and complete reluctance to question anything President Obama does and then ostracizing those who do.  I don’t really fit with any political party – I’m socially liberal and tend more towards the middle on fiscal issues. I’m not a libertarian. I never vote a straight ticket. I like President Obama. I voted for him – I have nothing to hide here.  And on the whole, I think he’s doing a decent job especially given the crappy hand he’s been dealt. Finally some healthcare reform for starters that actually has promise and is implementable.  But let’s be real here  – whoever took office in 2009 was inheriting a big pile of doo doo and runs the risk of being a one-term President. A few things have been weighing on my mind and I just have to get them off my chest.  First is the Don’t Ask-Don’t tell stinking pile of crap. I’m disappointed President Clinton both supported and allowed that. And I’m further disappointed that President Obama is doing NOTHING about it. Inaction is no better than signing a piece of bad legislation when you are the President. Second is this whole bi-partisan stimulus/bailout mess. I’m no more in favor of bailouts under President Obama than I was under President Bush. Yes President Bush never put the war costs on the budget because it was already unsupported and he didn’t need more dissent. President Obama did the right thing in doing so. But there is plenty of other porky nonsense going on. Take this for example. 18 million stimulus dollars are going to the redesign of recover.org – a government-run website! Holy bank accounts Batman I’m in the wrong line of business. 18 million dollars? That is so ridiculous. I guess really my point in mentioning any of this is it’s our duty as voting citizens to question what ALL of our elected officials are doing no matter what political label one assumes.

Finally, I was promised change in the fundamental ways business gets done in Washington and I’m not seeing it on the whole. I know there are other things that need to be tended to, and I don’t believe President Obama is deliberately letting Washington business as usual go on but he’ not stopping it. And while we are on the topic,  Nancy Pelosi needs to go. She’s his worst enemy if you ask me. And get the lobbyists under control.   I know one person can’t undo years of inflated bureaucracy but someone needs to try.  

To be clear I’m not voicing a lack of support for President Oabma. I still believe he’s the right person for the job. But like-minded liberal friends – let’s get over this reluctance to question what’s going on and help problem-solve.

Speaking of Neglected Blogs…

I was doing some much-needed catching up on RSS feeds when I saw that Mel is back to blogging and had a very cute photo of Simone with me as the window dressing to the cuteness and it reminded me I was trying (and failing) to get back on my blogging horse and really have no a good excuse. It’s faster and easier to write in Facebook and Twitter shorthand.  The other thing that’s been going on lately is I’ve been toying with putting some “how do you really feel” statements on FB and on the whole it’s been fine – fine to the point where I discover this incredibly supportive network of people cheering me on but there are some quite passive-aggressive people from my past lurking out there (and probably here) who are really making me feel exposed and judged. Yeah yeah yeah I know – you blog and use FB and Twitter and you open yourself up to that and in general I have a thick skin. But a handful of fun haters are just making it well – not fun. I respect people who say what they think. And these people are instead opting to be passive-aggressive.  

Anyway, enough about them. What I really want to know is what does everyone think of the new season of Entourage? I love me some Ari

Comments Rules of the Road and Blog Harassment

Over the last week and a half, a post I did almost 2 years ago about military recruitment went from being the most viewed post every day to crazy people going beserk and leaving harassing comments on it.  One guy who sometimes identifies himself as Wyona posted 6 comments between midnight and 4am, all harassing in nature. You can go view them if you’d like.  I’ve been called b!thc, pussy, lonely lady, fat, stupid, brainwashed, crazy  – among other things –  in these comments. All pretty much having nothing to do with the actual content of the blog. So I finally, after 2 years of this, turned the comments off when some grammatically-challenged high schoolers in New Jersey and Georgia decided to turn this into Insultpalooza 2009.  I’ve never turned comments off on a post before, and I rarely delete comments unless they are spam.  And guess what happened when I turned comments off on the specific post? They started commenting on other posts saying I could not handle it and I was a pussy. Sigh. These our are future leaders people. Be afraid. Very afraid. So I thought what better time than now to post my rules for comments?

1. First and foremost it’s my blog. Ultimately, I’ll decide what can go on here and not.  I like living a quiet, content life and that does not include opening my email at 7am to find 6 comments filled with insults.

2.  I am well aware that this blog is in the public domain. That’s the point! I welcome comments, discussion, feedback. I recognize that no one will ever agree on anything and everything.  I realize that some of my opinions are unpopular with the religious right and the extreme conservatives. Free speech is a beautiful thing!

3. Comments will either get deleted, blocked or disabled all together if they are harassing, or off-topic for the purpose of being harassing.   I won’t delete comments just because someone disagrees with me.  I will delete them if they are not contributing to the discussion in a way that is constructive and involve violent language.

4. This is more of a FYI for those who like to harass people on the Internets for fun. On most blogging platforms –  including WordPress which is what this blog is on - you can log IP addresses. What does the IP address tell me? For free it tells me what city the computer originating the comments is in and who the Internet provider is. For not free and in the event of harassment, it tells me addresses, phone numbers, names and other details. So providing false emails and names gets you nowhere in the event you are trying to remain anonymous.

*My* Mother’s Day

This was sent to me by a good friend who also has doggies and kitties. Yes I’ve not conceived and born human children into this world, nor am I raising future politicians or doctors or writers. And people that don’t know me well (or at all) have judged me for that – and looked on me with pity – told me in not so many words that I’m not part of the exclusive Mommy Club  – not realizing how much I love, respect, support and admire my friends who have human kids.  But that does not change the fact that I love my dogs and cats more than anything  – so much so it hurts sometimes  – and that I take better care of them than many humans care for their human children.  I would not be the person I am today without Bella, Jo, Lucy and Molly. They have taught me some very important life lessons  – things that cannot be learned in school, books or online. There is no pity to be had here!

__________________________________

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who have children that are bit hairier than others and walk on four paws! 
 
This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick dogs in their arms, wiping up barf laced with edible and inedible things and saying “It’s okay baby, Mommy’s here.”  

Who have sat on the floor for hours on end soothing dogs who can’t be comforted. 
 
This is for all the mothers who show up at work with dog hair on their suits, unexpected scratches on their wrists and poo bags in their purse, coat pocket, pants pocket and all other pockets. 
 
For all the mothers who make their own dog food and treats. And all the mothers who don’t.
 
This for the mothers who help the new mothers deal with the loss of their litter. And the mothers who help them cope when they are given new homes. 
 
This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections consist of ribbons and photos. 
 
And for all the mothers who froze their buns, sweated gallons, and swatted away bees to watch their precious prance into a ring and achieve 2nd place and  then jump around as though they had won best in show…
or get winners’ ribbons, despite their naughty behavior. 
 
This is for all the mothers who go to the special pet stores to collect the proper treats, food and toys no matter that it take 3 stops and 50 stoplights. 
  
This is for all the mothers who taught their dogs to sit, come and stay. 
 
And for all the mothers who opted for sit. 
 
This is for all the mothers who teach their dogs agility and obedience and actually understand that it needs to be FUN! 
 
This is for all the mothers who took their dog to the vet assuring them that there would be no needles only to be told they need a blood sample. 
 
For all the mothers whose dog has gone missing and was returned because she had the forethought to have chip put between its shoulders. 
 
What makes a good Mother anyway?

Is it patience? Compassion? Ever  available treats? 
 
The ability to answer the door, hold back the dog and deal with a phone call all at the same time? 
 
Or is it in her heart? 
 
Is it the ache you feel when you walk out the door to your job every Monday through Friday knowing that 2 eyes are boring into your back? 
 
The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread when you hear the sounds of heaving at 2:00am? 
 
Years later, the guilt that won’t go away when you have no other choice but to put your friend down?
  
The emotions of motherhood are universal, and so this is for you all. For all of us… Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them  
everyday that we love them.